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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JOHN BOELL

OF "JOHN BOELL BAND"

I had the pleasure of speaking with John "The Fuck" Boell, the bassist and singer of a very promising LA based outfit, John Boell Band. Boell has been working on Boell Band for some time, he claims, and has said the songwriting process has been nothing but extremely hard for him. "I write for hours and get nothing done. Three of my fingers are broken, from writing alone. Don't even get me started on the instruments," Boell said to me while creeping up behind someone.

John, what are your biggest inspirations and how have they inspired you?

JB: Our lord inspires me every day. I love to smurf.

Well put, John. You seem filled with hatred and rage, who are some of your LEAST favorite celebrities and why do they GRIND your gears.

JB: LBJ, Wanda Sykes, and Elmo. Fuck you, Elmo.

Walk us through the average day in your life, John.

JB: Every day I wake up screaming from the horrible nightmare I just had. I have horrible nightmares every night. The rest of the day consists of whatever happened in my nightmare. I never know if I am awake or asleep or dead. I also use Reddit a lot throughout the day. R/hiphodheads is my favorite. I walk my eight dogs for thirty seconds before running back inside.

Interesting, where did you go to high school, John?

SS: La Serna High School, also CSARTS SGV.

What other projects are you apart of?

JB: Waiting Room Magazine, AAmbulance, The Carlies and Bad Mood.

Nice, what do you have to say to your fans?

SS: What fans?

John and I cried together for a minute and then I left.

Honestly not excited for his EP, or any other work from any of the groups he is apart of, or not apart of. I'm just not excited at all.

This Dewey Montgomery, signing off.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH @SEVENTHSEAN

CREATOR OF FLAPPERS

I had the pleasure of speaking with the sole creator of a very promising live action feature film, @SeventhSean. Seventh has been working on Flappers for some time, he claims, and has said the writing process has been nothing but easy for him. "I don't understand people who have any trouble with writing it's literally the easiest job. All you need to know is the alphabet," Seventh said to me in a cave he was spelunking in.

Seventh, you just sort of appeared in the public eye, out of thin air, how did you do it?

SS: I don't know, really, I guess the public chooses geniuses that the public knows is geniuses, and when a genius appears, the public must acknowledge for he is a genius. In this case, me is a genius. Lel.

Well put, Seventh. I'm sure your fans would be happy to hear that you agree on your genius.

SS: I don't give a fuck what my fans would be happy to hear about. I don't give a fuck if all my fans are deaf. I don't give a fuck about my fans.

Walk us through the average day in your life, Seventh.

SS: Wake up, put my dick in a hole in the wall. Then, forty five minute shit and I'm off to the races. I hit up Tinder, Bumble, Grinder, crumble, OkCupid, CroquetStupid, Lupis, Bendover, Clover, ChristianMingle, Bish I'm Single and Oinkster.com then I check my Insta, Finsta, Pintrest, Facebook, MySpace, YouNow, Omegle. Then I listen to Planet Money, for hours, microdosing shrooms and acid and X and listening to X in one ear and Planet Money in the other and smoking three or four doinks at once. Run head first into the mirror. Blood shower. Then I hit up NoJumper, H3H3, WTF Pod w Marc Maron, Joe Rogen, of course. Then I shred the course, twenty laps around the Tarradome. Come back. Hit up Steam, Discord, Osu, Rainbow Six, TF2, Jackbox. Eat cream of wheat cereal, because its 7 am of course, breakfast time. After I eat breakfast, I hit up Pornhub, XVideos, RedTube, Gotporn.com, Only fans, Lolita City, Disney Channel, Hoot Owl Studios.com. I touch the stove and then its another blood shower. Then I watch a three hour masterclass by Deadmau5, cook up some beats. Send them to the stations. Get paid. Ten course lunch and then its back to the races, Bloomberg.com, HuffPo, WaPo, Wall Street Journal, BET.com, Bible.com, EncyclopediaBritanica.com, Zombo.com. Then I'm back to writing and developing Flappers until supper time, eat a full turkey. Write Flappers for fifteen more minutes and then I browse Reddit until bedtime.

Wow, Seventh, your day is... busy, to be sure. Are you religious?

SS: I believe in Monsters.

What are you trying to say with Flappers? What's the message?

SS: The message is...

At this point in the interview, Seventh vanished, like an apparition. It was startling and abrupt and honestly, I've been seeking therapy ever since, but none will see me.

Anyway, I am excited to see what Seventh comes up with, definitely one of the most inspired minds in America.

This Dewey Montgomery, signing off.

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